Your Guide To Annoying The Harry Potter Characters
by Written Blood
Summary: Two new chapters! Hermione Granger and Dolores Umbridge!
1. Harry Potter

**Greetings, fellow fan fiction authors! Are you ready for another one of my crazy fictions?**

**I was bored again, as of almost always, so I'm blaming this fan fiction on that…**

**…sorta.**

**Anywho, enjoy, and do rate and review! Constructive criticism is appreciated. :)**

**EDIT: I've added more pointers at the bottom. ;)**

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Your Guide To Annoying The Harry Potter Characters

#1: Harry Potter  
A.K.A.: The Boy Who Lived

WRITTEN TWILIGHT DOES NOT TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY WHATSOEVER IF HARRY POTTER TRIES TO MAIM, SERIOUSLY INJURE, OR EVEN KILL YOU.

_1. When he's sleeping, draw a cloud over his lightning bolt scar…_

_2. …And proceed to paint the rest of his face as the sky._

_3. Dress up as him and make out with Ginny…_

_4. …When he discovers this, yell,_

_5. "OH MY GOSH I HAVE A CLONE!"_

_6. Steal his toothbrush and wave it in his face…_

_7. …do so while chanting,_

_8. "Avada Kedavra!"_

_9. Dress up as Lord Voldemort…_

_10.…run to him, arms outstretched, shouting,_

_11. "HUG ME, BROTHA!"_

_12. …bonus points if you're female…_

_13. …and if you have a nose._

_14. Wear his Invisibility Cloak the wrong way…_

_15. …such that the inside is out…_

_16. …when he sees you, and demands you return his cloak, run to the Great Hall, announcing,_

_17. "Harry Potter has x-ray vision!"_

_18. Wear a badge that reads,_

_19. **Potter stinks—vote for [insert your name here]!**_

_20. …if you survive, feel free to continue to #21._

_21. Tell him that if Professor Snape had married his mother…_

_22. …he would've been named Harry Snape…_

_23. …which sounds plain weird._

_24. Call him "Elvendork"…_

_25. …when he protests, yell in your best James Potter impression…_

_26. "IT'S UNISEX!"_

_27. Place a life-sized picture of Professor Umbridge next to his bed…_

_28. ...with a note that reads,_

_29. **In memory of the greatest professor of all time.**_

_30. Tell him his parents were Death Eaters._

_31. Dress up as Colin Creevey and stalk him with a camera, and suggest giving out signed photos._

_32. Sing a random song from "Potter Puppet Pals" at the top of your lungs._

_33. Dress up as Voldemort..._

_34. ...run up to him and yell,_

_35. "I'M ALIVEEEEE!"_

_36. Force him to read HarryXDraco fan fictions..._

_37. If he refuses, read them out loud to him._

_38. Make him read GinnyXDraco fan fictions..._

_39. ...claim it was Ginny who wrote them..._

_40. ...when he denies it, sniff and fake-cry, and call the pairing a 'touching' one._

_41. Dress up as Voldemort (again)..._

_42. ...and in your best Darth Vader impression, say,_

_43. "I AM YO FATHER."_

_44. Follow him wherever he goes, singing the "Mysterious Ticking Noise"._

_45. While he's sleeping, paint the Dark Mark on his forearm..._

_46. ...and when he wakes up and discovers this, shout,_

_47. "HOLY MOLEY HARRY'S A DEATH EATER! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIIFE!"_

_48. Say to him,_

_49. "Hey you've got this stalker, she knows everything about you."_

_50. ...When he asks who it is, say,_

_51. "J.K. ROWLING!"_

_52. When he talks to you, clutch your left arm, say "excuse me", and run off while muttering something about meeting the 'Dark Lord'._

_53. Photoshop a picture of him and Voldemort hugging (or kissing, if you're really up for it)…_

_54. …print the pictures out, and stick them on walls all over the school…_

_55. …with a caption that reads,_

_56. **Ship HarryXVoldemort—best thing ever!**_

_57. …if you survive, feel free to continue to our second guide._

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**This fan fiction=The result of drinking FAR too much Earl Grey tea.**

**Suggest which character I should do next! :)**


	2. Voldemort

**Time to answer reviews! =)**

**toast7475 wrote:_"This was classic! Here are some ideas:_**

_**Voldy**_  
_**Snape**_  
_**Draco**_  
_**Ginny**_  
_**Hermione"**_

**Thank you! :3 I will be doing either Ron or Draco next.**

**Potterheadforeves wrote: _"LMFAO! that made my day."_**

**I'm glad you enjoyed it! There's more coming up this weekend! =)**

**Written Twilight**  
**~Julia**

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Your Guide To Annoying The Harry Potter Characters

#2: Voldemort  
A.K.A.: You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named & The Dark Lord

WRITTEN TWILIGHT DOES NOT TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY WHATSOEVER IF VOLDEMORT (AKA THE DARK LORD) TRIES TO MAIM, SERIOUSLY INJURE, OR EVEN KILL YOU.

Wait, screw that, forget the whole 'maim' and 'seriously injure'. He'll DEFINITELY Avada Kedavra you.

_1. Point out that he is the one of the only characters in the book who will never ever succeed._

_2. …add,_

_3. "Even Neville was awesome at the Battle of Hogwarts."_

_4. While he's sleeping, use a marker to draw Harry-Potter-style glasses on his face._

_5. Add a strand of Dumbledore's hair into some Polyjuice potion, and add it to his water..._

_6. …when he discovers this, whistle around with your hands behind your back, saying,_

_7. "Wasn't me!"_

_8. Buy two, matching friendship bracelets that read,_

_9. __**Friends Forever**__…_

_10. …and hand him one._

_11. Point at his clothes in mock disgust, and say,_

_12. "Black is __**so **__last season."_

_13. Ask him who is plastic surgeon is._

_14. Ask him,_

_15. "Is it hard to breath with that nose of yours?"_

_16. Tell him to get a life._

_17. …if he doesn't take yours, feel free to continue with #18._

_18. Swap his wand with a toothbrush._

_19. Give him a pile of pebbles, and say,_

_20. "Let's play a game: Find the Resurrection Stone!"_

_21. Ask him if he ever had a girlfriend. Like, EVER._

_22. Ask him,_

_23. "Cool red eye contacts. Where'd you get them?"_

_24. Buy a Nintendo DS and offer to play Cooking Mama with him._

_25. Put itching powder in his robes._

_26. Ask him,_

_27. "Isn't the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?"_

_28. …dodge his Avada Kedavra curse._

_29. Break his wand._

_30. Hand out badges to the Death Eaters that read,_

_31. __**I'm with Harry Potter on this.**_

_32.__Dance around him singing,_

_33. "Fun and laughter peace and joy, sunshine, rainbows, butterflies and ponies!"_

_34. Imply,_

_35. "I offer free anger management classes."_

_36. Throw pancakes at him…_

_37. …and biscuits__…_

_38. …and all sorts of food at the most inappropriate times._

_39. When he's sleeping, draw a lightning bolt on his forehead…_

_40. …Harry Potter style._

_41. Ask him why he's not manly enough to grow a beard…_

_42. Say,_

_43. "All the trustworthy guys have beards. Dumbledore, Sirius…"_

_44. Mutter,_

_45. "Laaaaaaame" or "Not gonna work…"_

_46. …when he's busy plotting his evil plans._

_47. Prepare for that killing curse that's coming your way._

_48. If you survive, feel free to continue to our third guide._

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**Ron or Draco coming up next! =D**


	3. Draco Malfoy

**Review answers!**

**Tamara the Hybridian wrote:**  
_**"This is almost too funny, I wonder if it's illegal to have this much fun reading *shifty-eyes* anyway I'm ROFL over here. Do Draco next please!"**_

**Done and done. =)**

**Suggest what character you would like to see next, as well as R&R for this chapter; constructive criticism is appreciated. Enjoy!**

**Written Twilight  
~Julia**

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Your Guide To Annoying The Harry Potter Characters

#3: Draco Malfoy  
A.K.A.: Ferret Boy

WRITTEN TWILIGHT DOES NOT TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY WHATSOEVER IF DRACO MALFOY TRIES TO MAIM, SERIOUSLY INJURE, OR EVEN KILL YOU.

…OR TELL HIS FATHER.

_1. Unleash Buckbeak on him._

_2. Burn his Slytherin robes…_

_3. …proceed in replacing his entire wardrobe with Gryffindor stuff…_

_4. …when he finds out, whistle innocently…_

_5. …suggest,_

_6. "Did your pet ferret do that?"_

_7. Buy pet treats…_

_8. …wave them in his face and say,_

_9. "Here boy!"_

_10. …better yet, buy a pet ferret and tell him,_

_11. "It's your long-lost brother! He looks just like you!"_

_12. …run for your life, my friend, run for your life._

_13. When you talk to him, wave over his shoulder,_

_14. "Hello, Professor Moody!"_

_15. While he's sleeping, dye his hair red and gold…_

_16. …proceed in painting his nails the same colour…_

_17. Beg Professor Trelawney to make the following prediction for him:_

_18. **You shall fall in love with Hermione Granger…**_

_19. …or, if you're up for it, change the **Hermione Granger** to **Harry Potter**._

_20. Yell at him,_

_21. "WITCH!"_

_22. Forge Snape's handwriting,_

_23. …and hand him a love letter._

_24. When he does something to get on your nerves…_

_25. …shout,_

_26. "My father will hear about this!"_

_27. Then, add,_

_28. "Oh, I'm sorry, Draco, did I steal your line?"_

_29. In the Great Hall, when he walks by you, wink at him…_

_30. Say in a voice loud enough for at least the Slytherin house to hear,_

_31. "Your secret is safe with me."_

_32. Swap his drink with Fire whiskey._

_33. Dress up as Voldemort…_

_34. …stumble up to him, arms outstretched…_

_35. …say,_

_36. "Awww! Looks like Draco needs a huggie!"_

_37. Remind him that Harry saved him…_

_38. …twice._

_39. Get all the Muggle-borns in Hogwarts to stalk him around all day._

_40. Ask him if he's ever seen the sun…_

_41. …like, EVER._

_42. Tell him that Narcissa Malfoy isn't his real mom—just his stepmother…_

_43. …and his real mother was actually a Muggle._

_44. Make weird faces at him._

_45. Show him the "Potter Puppet Pals: Draco Song"…_

_46. …run like anything._

_47. Put Crabbe and Goyle under the Imperio curse…_

_48. …make them sing "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain When She Comes," whenever they see him._

_49. Give him a remembrall…_

_50. …tell him it was from Neville._

_51. Call him by his initials…_

_52. ..tell him the 'D' stands for 'Dummy'…_

_53. …and that the 'M' stands for 'Muggle'._

_54. When you're with Ron, and he passes you by…_

_55. Sing,_

_56. "Weasley Is Our King!"_

_57. Draw glasses on his face…_

_58. …Harry Potter style…_

_59. …IN PERMANENT MARKER._

_60. If he annoys you, yell,_

_61. "GINNY! I NEED A BAT BOGEY HEX—PRONTO!"_

_62. …laugh more than needed._

_63. Point out that, even on the Harry Potter Wikia on Draco Malfoy, under the 'species' section, it says he was a ferret._

_64. Tell him his real father is James Potter._

_65. Say that his mocking of Hermione Granger is a sign that he likes her…_

_66. Don't forget to add,_

_67. "It's that 'little-boy-pulls-the-girl's-ponytail-because-he-likes-her' thing, isn't it?"_

_68. ...if you survive, feel free to continue to our fourth guide._

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**Up next will be either Hermione, Ginny, or Ron, but if you have a different idea, do suggest! =)**


	4. Severus Snape

**My exams are finally over! Thank you for all the reviews, and here's the fourth guide: How to Annoy Severus Snape! =) Tell me if I have any mistakes, and I'll edit it. Thanks!**

**Written Twilight**  
**~Julia**

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#4: Severus Snape

A.K.A.: Professor Snape, The Emo Kid (Not recommended if you want to live)

WRITTEN TWILIGHT DOES NOT TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY WHATSOEVER IF SEVERUS SNAPE TRIES TO MAIM, SERIOUSLY INJURE, OR EVEN KILL YOU.

…WHICH ISN'T LOGICALLY POSSIBLE SINCE HE'S DEAD.

_1. Put a whoopie cushion on his chair…_

_2. …when you hear the sound, shout,_

_3. "OH GOD THAT STINKS; WHO DID THAT?!"_

_4. Sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" at the top of your lungs._

_5. Dress up as him in his class…_

_6. …better yet, dress up as Harry Potter…_

_7. …and get the whole class to do the same._

_8. Sneak out after curfew…_

_9. …catch him walking around, and yell,_

_10. "A teacher breaking the rules, eh? 1,000,000 POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN."_

_11. …Run like hell, my friend, run like hell._

_12. Call him "The Original Emo Kid"._

_13. Throw marshmallows at him._

_14. When he's sleeping, paint a smile on his face…_

_15. …then when he walks into class the next day, scream,_

_16. "OH MY GOD, IT'S THE APOCALYPSE, SNAPE'S SMILING!"_

_17. When he calls on you to answer a question in class, answer,_

_18. "Wait. If I get this right, do I get a sticker, cookie or something?"_

_19. …grin like an idiot._

_20. When you see him, jump up from behind him, and hug him…_

_21. …telling him you're his biggest fan…_

_22. …then blush, push him away, and say,_

_23. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I was looking for James and Harry Potter. Have you seen them?"_

_24. …I advise you to run._

_25. Sing the Song That Never Ends. **[*see below]**_

_26. Write him a note…_

_27. …make sure you address it to "Lily Evans", and sign off as "James Potter"._

_28. Wear armour to all your Potions classes…_

_29. …Erza Scarlet style…_

_30. …and keep doing this until the end of the year._

_31. Follow him everywhere, along with Dobby, singing cheesy romance songs, as well as nursery rhymes and such._

_32. Send him cheese…_

_33. …stinky cheese._

_34. Photoshop a picture of him with James Potter…_

_35. …show it to him, and say,_

_36. "Wow, I didn't know you were such good friends with Potter!"_

_37. Tell him you're his long-lost daughter…_

_38. …or son…_

_39. …and when he denies this, saying he never got married, yell as loud as you can (so everyone hears you; we suggest you do this in the Great Hall),_

_40. "SNAPE, HONESTLY, HOW MANY FLINGS HAVE YOU HAD?!"_

_41. Set alarms during his classes…_

_42. …such that the alarms go off every 5 minutes._

_43. Get several of those small super-bouncy Muggle balls, and throw them all over the place when he walks past. Shout,_

_44. "Pikachu!"_

_45. When he gives detention, wave your hand wildly, shouting,_

_46. "PICK ME, PICK ME!"_

_47. When he walks past you in any hallway, press you back against the walls…_

_48. …sneak here and there like one of those overly-exaggerated spy crap…_

_49. … do this while humming the "Mission Impossible" song._

_50. If you have been lucky enough to survive from our first guide all the way to here, congratulations. You get a cookie. Feel free to continue to our fifth guide._

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***The Song That Never Ends! For those that don't know, here are the lyrics:**

_This is the Song That Never Ends_

_And it goes on and on, my friends_

_Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was,_

_And they'll continue singing it forever just because_

_(Repeats over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again)_

**My teacher told my class about this song last year. I think I nearly died because it was so annoying. Some of my friends sang it non-stop.**

**Remember, IDrinkLotsaEarlGrey? XD**

**Oh, about the cookie for finishing this fourth guide, there's a catch: You only get the cookie as soon as I figure out how to transport stuff through computer screens.**

**Anyway, at #29, if you didn't understand it, Erza Scarlet is a seriously cool character from the anime "Fairy Tail". She wears armour 24/7, save for several times. =)**


	5. Hermione Granger

**Yes, I know, I haven't updated in forever. So here you go: two chapters. Hermione Granger and Umbridge for you!**

**Written Blood (yeah I know I changed my pen name)  
~Julia**

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#5: Hermione Granger  
A.K.A.: Know-It-All, Catface (not recommended)

WRITTEN BLOOD DOES NOT TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY WHATSOEVER IF HERMIONE GRANGER TRIES TO MAIM, SERIOUSLY INJURE, OR EVEN KILL YOU.

…OR GIVE YOU DEATH BY RECITING INFORMATION.

_1. Have a discussion regarding S.P.E.W., except each time the name is mentioned, yell,_

_2. "Spew! Spew!"_

_3. Convince someone to get the library to close down a couple of hours early._

_4. Stick her in the same room with Rita Skeeter for an hour._

_5. Tell her,_

_6. "Gee, Hermione, you were _born_ for Slytherin."_

_7. Hand her a bottle of conditioner._

_8. Say,_

_9. "You'll need it."_

_10. Get the whole of Slytherin to follow her around for a day._

_11. …feel free to continue with #12 if you haven't suffered major whacking from Hermione._

_12. Throw _all_ her books in the lake._

_13. Throw Crookshanks in the lake._

_14. Throw _her_ in the lake._

_15. Say,_

_16. "My, what large front teeth you have!"_

_17. …in your best Red Riding Hood voice and then run for your life._

_18. Yell,_

_19. "Hermione, the library's burnt down!"_

_20. …Be sure to take a picture of her reaction._

_21. Send it to everyone in school._

_22. Do all her homework. Horribly._

_23. Hand out candy to everyone, then turn to her and say,_

_24. "Sorry, Hermione, your parents are dentists."_

_25. Throw a party for her…_

_26. …be sure to invite Cormac MacLaggen._

_27. In class, when a question is asked, and she raises her hand…_

_28. …jump out of your seat, and yell as loudly as you can,_

_29. "OOH, OOH, PICK ME, PICK ME!"_

_30. When she glares at you, say,_

_31. "But Hermione, isn't that what you do?"_

_32. Yell,_

_33. "FREE NOTES, EVERYONE!"_

_34. …and scatter her books and notes all over the Great Hall._

_35. Hand out flyers that read:_

_36. __**I RULE THIS PLACE.**_

_37. …And sign her name at the bottom._

_38. Point out that each time someone talks crap, she hits them._

_39. Sing her name at the top of your voice whenever she's around._

_40. Yell,_

_41. "HERMIONE GOT TROLLED IN THE BATHROOM BACK IN THE FIRST YEAR!"_

_42. …finish this by cackling loudly._

_43. Paint the dark mark all over her books._

_44. If you survive, feel free to continue to our sixth guide._


	6. Dolores Umbridge

**How to annoy Dolores Umbridge! Two chapters today, as promised!**

**Written Blood  
~Julia**

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#6: Dolores Umbridge  
A.K.A.: Professor Umbridge, Toadface, The Professor Who Got Kicked Out of Hogwarts (last two not recommended)

WRITTEN BLOOD DOES NOT TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY WHATSOEVER IF DOLORES UMBRIDGE TRIES TO MAIM, SERIOUSLY INJURE, OR EVEN KILL YOU.

…BEWARE OF DEATH BY STUPIDITY.

_1. Bleach all of her clothes bright green._

_2. Draw mustaches on _all_ her cat pictures._

_3. "Accidentally" put snakes in her office._

_4. Whenever she walks into class, get the whole class to yell,_

_5. "NOT TODAY, UMBRIDGE!"_

_6. …proceed to chase her out of class._

_7. If this doesn't work, scream,_

_8. "OH PLEASE NO, MY EYES BURN!"_

_9. Offer fashion advice._

_10. …wink suggestively._

_11. Sing the Song That Never Ends outside her window at 3 in the morning._

_12. Put a charm on the plants outside…_

_13. …so that when she walks out, they'll all wilt and die._

_14. Wear armour and a gas mask whenever she's around…_

_15. …then spray bug spray in her face._

_16. Wake her up in the morning by yelling,_

_17. "2-4-6-8, WHO DO WE _NOT_ APPRECIATE?! DOLORES, OF COURSE!"_

_18. …wrap this up with a bunch of superb cheerleader moves._

_19. Organise a play at the end of the school year…_

_20. Say,_

_21. "Professor Umbridge, we're missing a part in the play. We all think you'd play the part of Ebenezer Scrooge _perfectly_, don't you agree?"_

_22. Smile sweetly._

_23. Now run for your life._

_24. When she asks questions in class, get the whole class to reply,_

_25. "Obviously."_

_26. …in the best Severus Snape impression possible._

_27. Set fire to all her quills._

_28. Spit on your hand…_

_29. …Then give her a handshake._

_30. Pinch your nose whenever she's around, and shout,_

_31. "What is that _smell_?"_

_32. Then turn to her, and go,_

_33. "Oh. It's just you."_

_34. Proclaim that you think she and Filch would be a good couple._

_35. Spread mud all over her office._

_36. …when she scolds you, say,_

_37. "I thought it matched you more like this."_

_38. Team up with Fred and George Weasley._

_39. Paint a mustache on her face while she's sleeping._

_40. Talk in a weird accent._

_41. Speak in Latin to her._

_42. Throw ice at her head at random intervals during the day._

_43. …better yet, throw mud._

_44. Dump all her stuff in trash._

_45. Tell her she's fired._

_46. If you survive, feel free to continue to our seventh guide._

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**So, how was that? Do feedback what you thought of the two chapters, and suggest who should be next!**


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